Why am I bad at everything ?

Some of us wonder why we are bad at everything. It looks like people around us have at least one strong point: either they are very good at their job, or great athletes, they are very social and funny, or they have an unbeatable fashion flair, you know, something.

We compare ourselves to others and we conclude that everyone has a strong point, but we simply don’t. And of course we end up wondering what is wrong with us.

What is really happening when we say we are bad at everything ?

Because this site is about recovery from trauma, what you’ll find here is my perspective from this specific angle. Some of us may relate immediately and identify themselves as trauma survivors, but some of us may not.

In the latter case, feel free to move on to more helpful pastures. Just be aware our understanding of trauma has expanded and evolved recently. You may have been through events that in your mind don’t qualify, but actually do.

In order to provide some guidance on that definition, my next article will be about what trauma is and isn’t. I’ll put a link here as soon as it’s available.

But back to our topic, when we have been through some sort of trauma – and a lot of us have – several problems can be at play and reinforce each other.

The first part of the equation is how the trauma we went through, and life in general, has scarred us. In this category we will find trauma consequences that actually limit our abilities, namely the impact on our memory, attention and emotional regulation. Also, more often than not, we are suffering from some form of self sabotage.

The second part of the equation has more to do with our perceptions than how we are actually doing: in short, our self esteem (we believe we are bad, but others do not agree), and our perfectionism (we believe we have to be extraordinary to justify our space in the universe, but still others do not agree…).

All of this is very normal, by the way. By this I mean it’s a very common constellation of trauma symptoms.

It’s often said, because it’s true: it’s not about what’s wrong with us, it’s about what happened to us.

Impact of trauma on memory, attention, and emotional regulation

To start with, trauma negatively impacts our performance because of impaired memory, attention and emotional regulation.

I’m not saying we are temporarily distracted. I’m saying trauma has changed the structure of our brains.

I know it’s disheartening. On the other hand, it can be a tremendous relief to understand why we do not react and remember like others around us. It has been for me.

To give you an example, I’m famous in my family for having a Dory like memory. My partner sometimes jokes that he does not need to work hard to entertain me: I can forget what places , names of people I met, books I’ve read, and movies I’ve seen.

I don’t need to buy 40 books; I need to buy 20 and read them every two years. It’s less expensive and will have more or less the same effect.

It can be handy for my entertainment budget, but it’s not so fun at work. I can see my colleagues have a far easier time remembering what was said, what needs to be done, and important people’s names.

I though I was just that way, until I learned that people who went through a trauma have a significantly smaller hippocampus than others. This is the brain structure that is responsible for memorizing stuff. Trauma also has an impact on our amygdala, which plays an important role in regulating emotions, and our prefrontal cortex, which organizes complex tasks.

But take heart, people: even if scientists have not demonstrated it’s reversible, we can and often do develop strategies to compensate these problems; you’ll be happy to know I’ve significantly improved since my young years (and fortunately I’m not the only one).

Self sabotage

I’m not sure we all suffer from self sabotage, but some of us do, and you can definitely count me in.

Sometimes, it’s so obvious we realize we are doing it, like the time we spectacularly blew up the last interview for the great job. At others times it’s so subtle and constant it goes completely unnoticed until we have an aha moment.

The end result is the same: we miss out on opportunities, and it looks like we are bad at everything.

We are not bad. We can actually be really good, and have to self sabotage extra hard for it not to show.

Why are we doing this to ourselves ? Why, why, why oh why ?

This issue in itself deserves a full article, and I will write it one day and put the link here. In short, it has to do with people important to us who were so immature they could not tolerate us experiencing mastery or success. Especially it we were going beyond what they were able to do themselves.

This is hard to believe, but it happens, sometimes with our parents, partners, colleagues and bosses and sometimes with friends. Keep the open or covert agressivity going against us for a while, and we’ll learn how to not succeed to keep things smooth and peaceful. Or at least bearable.

If we have been brought up by narcissistic parents who need to focus all the attention and light on them, we can become very good at automatically preventing any display ability or competence.

All of this happens automatically and unconsciously: parents will find themselves angry without really grasping why, and children learn that if they are really good at something it will trigger angry outbursts down the line. So we skillfully avoid success – and problems.

And then one day we wake up, and we wonder why we are bad at everything.

Often though, the real issue is low self esteem

It’s true that trauma may have affected our emotional regulation, memory and attention. It’s also true we can have self sabotage going against us. But :

• the truth is, a lot of us are in the same boat
• we are often very efficient at using whatever resources we have

So people around us may not pick up on our difficulties at all. Does it prevent us from being eaten alive by our perceived deficiencies at everything? Of course not. Which brings us to the issue of low self esteem.

Let’s illustrate : when I started to work, I joined on purpose a consulting company which promised evaluations at least twice a year. I found myself lazy, slow, with no people skills and paralyzed by procrastination. I honestly would not have hired me.

But my evaluations were just fine. Not stellar, but actually good enough to get me promoted regularly. With all my difficulties, the end result was good enough.

We all know people who are beautiful, but find themselves ugly. People who think they are so stupid, whereas we are impressed by their intelligence. Sometimes, while we are navel gazing and finding ourselves totally useless, people around us see us as just fine.

As a rule of thumb, when we hear ourselves using words like always, never, everything and anything, we can be certain we are not reflecting reality. Reality is far more nuanced and complicated than that.

If you suspect you have an issue in the self esteem area, and again, most trauma survivors do, you can find more information in the following posts:

• What is low self esteem ?
• Trauma and self esteem
• How to increase our self esteem
• Healing shame
• Feeling bad about ourselves doesn’t mean we are

Perfectionism

If you have paused when reading “good enough” in the paragraph above, you’ll understand easily another issue we may have: perfectionism.

Yeah, because good enough is often not enough for us. We need to be exceptional to feel good about ourselves. So if we start running, it’s to run a marathon. We want to loose weight ? It’s because we are aiming at skinny. If we sing we want to sound like Adele. And on and on it goes.

Sometimes, when we say we are bad at everything, what we really mean is that we are not exceptional at something. But that’s ok to be just normal. We may need to learn this, but that’s perfectly fine to be normal.

If you resonate with this issue of perfectionism, you can get more information here.

In the meantime, take care of yourself my friend. Please go on being bad at some things and good at others, and learn to feel at peace with it…