Book review: You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For, from Richard Schwartz

Your Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For is one of these books : explaining we fall in love with people because we want them to fix what is broken in us. And that it does not work.

There are other books like this. I find them all very annoying.

I mean, sure, it’s true. At least for us trauma survivors.

Still, who wants to realize we are repeating an old drama over and over again ? Who wants to leave this all consuming attraction, this mesmerizing chemistry, our belief this relationship will make us happy, at ease with ourselves, that we have found the one magical person ?

We really don’t want to. We can embellish or deny facts, ignore what other are telling us, pretend this is not the same old usual relationship with another person, fervently believe this is true love, close our eyes, close our ears, and turn our back on the reality of the relationship.

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21 November 2023 1

Book review: No Bad Parts, by Richard Schwartz

In a documentary I saw an articulate young women who used to hear voices. These voices terrified her. She was labelled as schizophrenic, institutionalized and medicated: her doctors were obviously as scared as she was.

I was hypnotized by her story, even though I cannot really say I hear voices – well I do, but contrary to those of us suffering from Dissociative Identity Disorder I’m aware it’s me speaking in my own head.

The documentary went on to explain that most people hearing voices are now considered sane: it can be a consequence of being sexually abused.

We all have parts in us, but trauma can sometimes prevent them from communicating with each other. Hence the frightening impression that voices in our heads are coming from another person.

I resonated with both her experience, and the explanation. It made so much sense for me as well.

Even if I don’t hear voices, I always knew there were different sides to my personality. I sometimes feel like a very young and panicked child, sometimes like a competent and calm adult , and sometimes like a cynical, judgmental soul.

Yes, I always felt “me“, but I ended up not knowing who was the real me. And I felt crazy.

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8 October 2023 0

Book Review: Growing Up as the Scapegoat to Narcissistic Parents, by Jay Reid

As a ten years old, I realized I was not feeling innocent as children were supposed to feel. I was feeling bad and guilty all the time.

I could not understand why, but I promised myself I would carry this memory into adulthood. And I did.

Now, I know why I sent this message to my future self: I left a trail that allowed me to unpack my terrible self esteem as an adult. What a clever child I was, despite feeling so stupid…

I was in so much shame because I had grown up as the scapegoat to my narcissistic family. That’s a huge part of the trauma I went through, and the origin of many of my problems.

And of course abuse, neglect, narcissism and scapegoating were all linked, as it often is.

When is it useful to read Growing Up as the Scapegoat to Narcissistic Parents ?

If like me you remember feeling bad and guilty as a child, let me assure you it is not because you were: no child is. The cause is elsewhere, and it could well be parental narcissism.

Some parents are so distressed and immature they need their child to feel bad for them: they form narcissistic families and single out one child to be the scapegoat.

It can be the origin of how we feel about ourselves, and it took me years to understand. So in doubt, please do yourself a favor and read this book: it is absolutely brilliant at describing the dynamics of these families, and the consequences for us.

It may well trigger a life changing aha moment for you. I’m very informed on this topic now, but I still had sudden flashes of understanding reading Jay Reid. It’s a very good book.

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26 June 2023 0

Book Review: Believing Me, from Ingrid Clayton

I came across Ingrid Clayton’s work while listening to an excellent podcast about Trauma Bonding; I liked what she had to say and the way she said it, so I bought her memoir, Believing Me.

Sure enough, I liked her book. Maybe it’s because our stories have similarities. Maybe it’s because she manages to describe universal aspects of trauma. Probably both.

Believing me can be useful especially for those of us who have been traumatized in our family of origin. It helps validate the weird dynamics of such families, and normalize our trauma responses later in life.

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9 May 2023 1

Book Review: The Body Keeps the Score

crop masseur preparing client for spine treatment

The Body keeps the score is the book I would have needed decades ago.

I would have needed it when I decided to do whatever was necessary to heal. I believe it would have saved me years of confusion.

And even if I feel much better these days, it is still an amazing read.

This book feels validating, compassionate and insightful. It explains perfectly how a traumatized person feels and thinks, and why.

More importantly, it’s full of hope that recovery is possible and points to proven, but not generally talked about, healing modalities.

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19 March 2023 0

Feeling dead inside

I was 17 when I realized I was feeling dead inside. I know I had already felt like this as a child. I did not have the words to describe it, but the experience was there already. Unfortunately, it followed me into my young adult years.

If you ever felt dead inside, you know how dark this place can be. It’s the fabric of depression. It prevents us from enjoying whatever is good in our lives; it can destroy our relationships, our successes and our health. It can leave us unable to feel love and caring, unable to mourn a loss – and ending up wondering if indeed we are able to love at all. It can prevent us from reaching our goals, even if we have the necessary energy, intelligence and skills. It can even prevent us from wanting anything at all.

We are going through the motions, disconnected from other people, life, and ourselves, and we are wondering what is wrong with us and if that’s all there is.

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6 March 2023 1

Me Too Therapy best healing books of 2022

I hope, dear reader, that you had a great start of 2023 ! I don’t know about you, but I never struggled to find a purpose each new year. I had a very clear one, even if I would have preferred not to have it: getting well. If you are on the same quest, I wish you a 2023 year full of insights, progress and healing.

Part of my own healing path has been to read books about recovery from trauma or any topic that I am struggling with. It didn’t do all the work, but it definitely helped to feel connected, to understand myself and to show me the way to a better life. Without these books, I would pretty much still feel lost.

In 2022, I’ve read about 20 healing books (not all published in 2022 by the way). They’ve all been helpful in some way, but three of them have been really awesome.

If like me you are into books as healing tools and do not know these ones, I suggest you give them a try. They may become a great help for you in 2023.

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1 February 2023 1

Book Review: Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

Self care is the basis of recovery from Trauma, Addictions, Depression, and many other psychological issues. It is an absolute must for a healthy, comfortable life. Often, this is what we never learned or what we forgot because of what happened to us.

I once believed that self care meant buying myself stuff, or taking a hot bath with candles. I don’t know where I picked up this idea (probably from people who have an investment in me buying stuff, like women’s magazines): shopping or taking a bath are not my thing. That’s not what self care means for me.

Self care means we are able to identify our needs, we believe that we deserve their satisfaction, and we take action to get these needs met. It took me decades to understand this, and I believe I still have much room to grow.

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9 November 2022 0

Book Review: Living with Limerence

I came across Dr L’s book Living with Limerence while researching for a post on Love Addiction. Interestingly enough, I was lovestruck by its subtitles: A guide for the smitten (that’s me!) and The neuroscience of infatuation and how to manage it (that’s for me!). Reading it furthered my crush : this book is intelligent, funny and very useful.

If you know obsessive love well, if you wonder what came upon you to believe that some of your exes were so special, if your feelings and your common sense go their separate ways when you fall in love, my advice is to read this book.

If you are currently putting a loving long term relationship at risk because of a crush you cannot resist, or if you suffer from the dreaded unrequited love, then reading this book is a must. Really.

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17 October 2022 4

Book review: Us, and normal marital hatred

What caught my attention to Terrence Real’s interview in the New York Times is its title: A Couples’ Counselor Takes on “Normal Marital Hatred”.

Now, that’s an interesting expression !

After reading the interview, I decided the couples’s counselor book was definitely worth a look. So here is my book review of Us, by Terrence Real.

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5 July 2022 3