Am I crazy ?

I have wondered a few times in my life if I was crazy. Looking back, it’s surprising I did not ask myself this question a lot more.

I felt crazy within relationships : stakes were high, and relationships were great to project my inner drama.

And when it happened, watch out. I could not understand my behavior, my emotions, my thoughts, my choices, my desires. They were very, very far from my usual strong common sense.

Falling head over heels in love with someone I barely knew was bizarre. Getting stuck for months in a painful obsession over someone who did not care was senseless. Falling out of love from one day to the next, from lovestruck to utterly non interested, was outright frightening. So was crying after making love with the man I loved.

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21 September 2023 0

Book Review: Growing Up as the Scapegoat to Narcissistic Parents, by Jay Reid

As a ten years old, I realized I was not feeling innocent as children were supposed to feel. I was feeling bad and guilty all the time.

I could not understand why, but I promised myself I would carry this memory into adulthood. And I did.

Now, I know why I sent this message to my future self: I left a trail that allowed me to unpack my terrible self esteem as an adult. What a clever child I was, despite feeling so stupid…

I was in so much shame because I had grown up as the scapegoat to my narcissistic family. That’s a huge part of the trauma I went through, and the origin of many of my problems.

And of course abuse, neglect, narcissism and scapegoating were all linked, as it often is.

When is it useful to read Growing Up as the Scapegoat to Narcissistic Parents ?

If like me you remember feeling bad and guilty as a child, let me assure you it is not because you were: no child is. The cause is elsewhere, and it could well be parental narcissism.

Some parents are so distressed and immature they need their child to feel bad for them: they form narcissistic families and single out one child to be the scapegoat.

It can be the origin of how we feel about ourselves, and it took me years to understand. So in doubt, please do yourself a favor and read this book: it is absolutely brilliant at describing the dynamics of these families, and the consequences for us.

It may well trigger a life changing aha moment for you. I’m very informed on this topic now, but I still had sudden flashes of understanding reading Jay Reid. It’s a very good book.

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26 June 2023 0

Book Review: Believing Me, from Ingrid Clayton

I came across Ingrid Clayton’s work while listening to an excellent podcast about Trauma Bonding; I liked what she had to say and the way she said it, so I bought her memoir, Believing Me.

Sure enough, I liked her book. Maybe it’s because our stories have similarities. Maybe it’s because she manages to describe universal aspects of trauma. Probably both.

Believing me can be useful especially for those of us who have been traumatized in our family of origin. It helps validate the weird dynamics of such families, and normalize our trauma responses later in life.

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9 May 2023 1

Maladaptive perfectionism

I used to view perfectionism as a kind of plague, nothing less.

I remember preparing for job interviews, and being ready to answer perfectionism as my greatest weakness. It was a cliche but honest response : I was a real perfectionist. But I would not have hired one, and truth be told I would not have hired myself.

I was ready to give this answer because I knew most recruiters did not understand perfectionism. They would view it as a positive weakness in the workplace. I was probably wrong, but fortunately nobody asked.

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4 May 2023 0

Spotting Narcissism Red Flags

Spotting narcissism red flags is what we do in hindsight.

We look back on a relationship once we know it’s over, and we say : “Oh, here and here were the red flags; I actually could have seen this person was not good for me early on”.

This logic does two things for us:

it gives us a sense of control, as in: “Next time I’m going to get it right and see the problem before it’s too late”
and it also allows us to wallow in shame, as in: “How could I not see it? I’m so stupid”, which can be a familiar and oddly comfortable pattern for some of us – Well it definitively was for me.

Both points are a defense against anxiety, but are ultimately not useful. They are not self loving either, or even accurate.

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12 April 2023 0

Understanding your favorite narcissist

Dealing with narcissists is baffling. At least until we understand how their mind works.

We won’t get this understanding from them: they have no clue. But once someone knowledgeable shares how they are inside, their behavior makes sense. In a bizarre and creepy way, but still.

Let’s start with an illustration from Dr Craig Malkin, a clinical psychologist specialized in treating narcissism :

“Given the choice between a loving partner and a trophy partner, a narcissist will chose a trophy partner”.

So sadly true. But let’s look at this statement more closely.

Narcissists are not interested in love

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5 April 2023 1

Book Review: The Body Keeps the Score

crop masseur preparing client for spine treatment

The Body keeps the score is the book I would have needed decades ago.

I would have needed it when I decided to do whatever was necessary to heal. I believe it would have saved me years of confusion.

And even if I feel much better these days, it is still an amazing read.

This book feels validating, compassionate and insightful. It explains perfectly how a traumatized person feels and thinks, and why.

More importantly, it’s full of hope that recovery is possible and points to proven, but not generally talked about, healing modalities.

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19 March 2023 0

The power of connection

group of people forming star using their hands

I used to think I was uniquely defective and alone. At the time, I did not see my beliefs as a consequence of trauma : I thought the reason was who I was. As a result I did not want anyone close. I did not trust myself, and I did not trust others. I had managed to convince myself I did not need others anyway.

But even then, even when completely disconnected from my need to connect (!), I had a strong urge to find out if other people had lived through similar experiences. I wanted to know what happened to them, and how they were experiencing life, others, and themselves after that. And of course, I wanted to know if, and how they had managed to heal.

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14 March 2023 0

Feeling dead inside

I was 17 when I realized I was feeling dead inside. I know I had already felt like this as a child. I did not have the words to describe it, but the experience was there already. Unfortunately, it followed me into my young adult years.

If you ever felt dead inside, you know how dark this place can be. It’s the fabric of depression. It prevents us from enjoying whatever is good in our lives; it can destroy our relationships, our successes and our health. It can leave us unable to feel love and caring, unable to mourn a loss – and ending up wondering if indeed we are able to love at all. It can prevent us from reaching our goals, even if we have the necessary energy, intelligence and skills. It can even prevent us from wanting anything at all.

We are going through the motions, disconnected from other people, life, and ourselves, and we are wondering what is wrong with us and if that’s all there is.

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6 March 2023 1

Why do I always fall for the wrong guy ?

“Why do I always fall for the wrong guy?” I must admit it’s a question I asked myself a few times. And when listening to a very interesting podcast with Dr Frank Anderson on Trauma and Internal Family System, the answer came in a reaI “aha” moment.

To be honest, I already knew the answer – or rather, let’s take the grandiosity out of this – my answer. But this very smart psychiatrist and psychotherapist summed it up with a few elegant sentences : “Most adult romantic attractions are really us trying to heal an early attachment wound. Instead of seeking this healing from another person, what we need to do is seek the relationship, get triggered an activated, and then do our work.”

This is brilliant.

Let’s have a look at these few sentences.

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15 February 2023 0