I remember one of my few “aha” moment when I realized I didn’t know myself. I wasn’t even sure if I really had a self. Identifying my needs, wants, or emotions was a challenge. Most of the time, I didn’t seem to have opinions either.
I would hear people say things like, “I feel like doing this,” or “I’m angry he did this.” I knew I was different. I felt like a person without substance, almost as if I was truly empty.
Who was I? Why was I different? Was there even an “I” to speak of?
Not Knowing Ourselves Is Painful
It’s not just about suffering from existential angst; it’s about not being able to live our lives fully.
If we don’t know what our needs or wants are, we cannot fulfill them. We are unable to take care of ourselves physically. We don’t seek closeness when we feel lonely. We don’t do or buy things that we really want. We don’t pursue things that we enjoy.
What we do instead is try to fulfill everybody’s needs and expectations, because nothing inside of us gives a better option.
How, then, is it possible to live a fulfilling life?
Not being in touch with ourselves also leaves us vulnerable to predators. We cannot rely on our emotions to signal when something is scary or to protect our boundaries with anger.
I’m convinced this is part of the difficulty in detecting and leaving an exploitative situation, as it was for me.
Unsurprisingly, even if we manage to maintain a semblance of normality, a significant part of our lives feels aimless and devoid of personal meaning. Without access to any genuine desire, life becomes depressing.
I remember doing what was socially expected of me but not really feeling like I was participating in my own life. Everything looked fine from the outside, but inside, I was not feeling good – and that’s an understatement.
Something had to change, and fortunately, it did.
Because with hindsight, it’s not that we do not have a self. It’s there all along, but we can lose access to it.,
Trauma: the root of losing sight of ourselves
If everything goes well in our early lives, we know ourselves well. We want, feel, and need things. We have strong opinions (and sometimes we are wrong!) about various matters. We are driven by our need to find fulfillment. We may not always be deliciously happy, but we feel alive.
But if we go through traumatic times, especially for a long period, all of this can evaporate. We have to ignore our feelings, needs, wants, and emotions because they are a luxury we cannot afford, particularly in an abusive situation.
We inadvertently lose touch with significant parts of ourselves—our capacity to feel deeply, think clearly, desire, need, and enjoy life.
This disconnection allows us to survive and to “carry on carrying on,” but it’s not a solid foundation once we are adults in a normal environment. As often happens, our best protection mechanisms can work against us later in life. A huge part of the problem is we do not realize they exist.
Reclaiming our lost Self
The road back to self-awareness is a gradual one. If, like me, you are significantly cut off from your core self, please do what you can to get professional help. It’s not always possible, but if it is for you, go for it.
Therapists can gently reflect back aspects of ourselves that seem so obvious from the outside but that we cannot see.
We have lived in that space our whole lives. Often, the people who raised us were living there as well. For us, this is just the way things are. It took me a lot of feedback to realize the extent of my self-alienation.
In some therapy sessions, we had to do some digging, almost detective work, to find out was I was really feeling. My therapist could then provide a corrective experience, mirroring and validating our emotions.
Friends, colleagues and even strangers can also help us change our beliefs and behavior: they can model it for us, and we can learn even once grown ups. Witnessing others taking care of themselves can turn into teaching moments. I used this a lot for boundary setting, for example (I had to; I had virtually none) and I’m sure you can do this too.
Open your eyes, look at what healthy people do, learn.
Self-work is equally important. Striving for inner connection is key, with journaling, for example. I journaled a lot, and it provided an important space for self-expression. Sometimes, it looked like repetitive, obsessive thoughts, but it still helped: the point was not to figure things out, but to claim my own space.
Setting official time aside to check in and address even the most minor needs or desires is also helpful. If we don’t know where to start, we can stick with the basics: adequate rest, a soothing bath, a refreshing walk, reading healing books. Sometimes, all it takes is a few deep breaths to feel better.
What we are doing then is sending a signal to our Self: “I’m taking care of you, of us. I’m not very good at it yet, but I’m trying. And we are going to get better at this. You’ll see.”
My experience is that just sending this message is enough to feel better, to feel taken care of.
And with time and persistence, you will be better at this.
With time, we can move on to more complex needs and wants: satisfying relationships, fulfilling activities, a purpose. Believe me, if I managed to get there, given where I was coming from, I’m sure you can too!
Take care on your healing journey, my friend !
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