Most of us go through a one sided relationship at least once. Experiencing a few is distressing, but normal. Entering a relationship is a risky business indeed: we have optimistic dreams but as we all know, reality may not go as planned.

It’s a different story though if we get repetitively involved in one sided relationships. For some of us, that’s all we know. 

What we are talking about then is a pattern. At some stage we realize the issue is not bad luck and we may unwillingly play a part in what is happening, especially if we have experienced trauma.

I went through this realization and God knows I didn’t like it: it’s not as if I knew what to do differently. But as trite as it sounds, seeing the problem is really what allows a positive change down the line (with time, effort, lots of self reflection and unpleasant emotions, but still, there is light at the end of this tunnel.)

What is a one sided relationship ?

A one sided relationship is usually defined as when one person invests more time and effort than the other into making the relationship work.

My personal definition is this one : a relationship that would fade away if we were to stop doing the work. We are the ones initiating contacts, planning activities together, bying gifts, being affectionnate, paying attention, reaching out when there is a rift.

We do all the tending and the nurturing of the relationship, and the other party does none or very little. They may be angry because we stop doing all of this, but they will do nothing nevertheless.

We don’t usually say it clearly even to ourselves, but we sense if we stop doing all this, the other person won’t take his or her turn. There is no reciprocity, and no mutual flow of interest and investment between the two persons involved.

In its more extreme form, we get what is called a parasocial relationship : we spend time, emotional energy, and lots of daydreaming about someone we never talked to, or who does not know we exist.

To be fair, we usually don’t know it will turn out this way: sure the whole thing starts from our interest and our initiative, but someone has to start, right ? We are convinced the other side of the relationship will reciprocate down the line.

If our emotional investment is significant, it can take a long, long time, and agonizing pain, before we realize it will never happen. 

So how are we feeling in one sided relationships ?

Well, it depends where we are in the relationship cycle. 

The euphoric stage

Initially, we just feel great: this is a new beginning, the promise of great things, we sense we will find companionship, understanding, validation, and love. We believe this firework in our brain that is called limerence.

We find this person so cool. We want them in our life, and we are hopeful we can. We start spending all this relational energy to make it happen.

This stage is all very pleasant: we are full of energy an hope. That’s when we start running, loosing weight  or drawing, because it has a link somehow to the object of our affection. Conversely, we leave everything that has no link to our beloved, at least emotionnally. 

The denial phase

The initial euphory is so addictive that it usually takes loads of time and disapointment to realize there is something wrong. 

Anxiety and doubt creep in, but we counterbalance them with excuses, rationalizations, or even complete blindness. Others around us usually are pretty clear we are stuck in a one sided relationship long before we are. We pretend not to hear what they are saying as well.

A part of us though knows very well what is happening, especially when it’s not the first time. But really seeing it and taking it in is too threatening for us, particularly if it is a significant relationship. So we put the information aside and go on, hoping the problem will go away. We may even double down on our connection efforts to win the other over.

The anger phase

This is when denial clears up, either because we have found some sense of security and we can afford seing reality, because we finally have enough, or because the other person does something really obvious. Sometimes all of the above.

We are fuming. We see eveything our beloved has not said and not done. We see how pathetic parents / friends / lovers they are. We understand we have not been loved, valued and respected. Worse still, we understand that whatever our investment, we will never be loved, valued and respected.

If we are really good at this, we can even add a nice depressive touch, along the lines of seeing why they were not investing in a relationship with us, and how uninteresting we are for such a brilliant person.

And we are also so, so angry at ourselves: how come we did not see it sooner ? How could we end up trapped in another one sided relationship, without even seeing it coming ? Are we dumb ? Why is it so difficult to cut our losses ? What’s wrong with us ?

We should’nt be so hard on ourselves. We usually have very good reasons to end up in this tough spot.

One sided relationship cause #1 : we never had another experience

Some of us have litterally grown up in a one sided relationship. This is definitely my case: my father never really wanted a relationship with me.

The issue was already there when I was little, but it was more or less hidden by my enabling mother. I always knew, somehow, but reality became obvious when my parents divorced once I was an adult.

I honestly cannot remember my father initating a contact once in my life. He didn’t call or visit me once. He never helped me financially or otherwise. He never said he loved me.

I prentended to have a relationship with him by relunctantly doing all the work, but stopped after a particularly spectacular letdown. When he died, I didn’t receive anything from him: he had managed to spend all his money before dying. I was not even surprised.

I know I’m not the only one to have had this type of relationship with a parent (and sometimes both): we are plenty. What suprises me is how we expect ourselves to know how to forge healthy relationships. How could we ? We haven’t known any !

What doesn’t help is the thick denial of people around us: my mother, for example, prentended everything was ok. My whole family and social environment never mentioned anything. It would have been too unpleasant for them to raise the issue, I guess. So I was left believing the situation was normal. Nobody said it wasn’t.

I’m not a fan of the reenactment theory, which states that we repeat painful experiences in an effort to master and integrate them. It seems to me our reality is simpler : we don’t know how to initiate and negotiate healthy relationships, because we’ve never known them.

I’m not saying we are doomed. I’m saying we can’t invent something as complex as a healthy relationship, without corrective experiences. In therapy or in our adult relationships, we need others to show us what it looks and feel like, what to expect, and how to behave.

I had to be taught, for example, to initiate a relationship and spend a little effort, and then stop and wait. It leaves space for the other person to respond, or not. They show us what we can expect, and we can believe them, early.

One sided relationship cause #2 :  low self esteem 

For some of us, it’s difficult to believe someone great would want to spend time and effort to have a relationship with us. I’s as simple as that.

We are willing to do all the relational work, because deep down, it seems to us a balanced relationship is out of reach. So the only possibility is working hard and do all the work for them. That’s our only chance.

We are wrong. We are perfectly lovable, and as cool as others. We just can’t see it.

If you want more information on self esteem and how to heal it, you can find more information here : 

• What is low self esteem
• How to increase our self esteem
• Healing shame
• Feeling bad about ourselves doesn’t mean we are

One sided relationship cause #3 : lack of boundaries

Psychological boundaries is what allows us to sense where we end up, and where another person begins. It may sound absurd, but it isn’t: some of us really don’t know. You can find more information on boundaries here, but in short, a lack of boundaries can show as :

• an inability to say no
• a difficulty to show anger
• feeling invaded by other people’s emotions and feelings
• a tendency to desert our own inner life and needs, to tend to others’ needs 

What it means, for us, is that we are vulnerable to exploitation. I used to be. I couldn’t formulate it like that, but a part of me knew it. And it may be the case for you as well.

Paradoxically because of this, we may unconsciously look for people who are not so interested in us. It creates the illusion of a relationship, but with an artificial boundary (their disinterest). Yes we do the work, we initiate contacts, plan all the activities, and the other person doesn’t do a thing.

But then we are in control of what happens in the relationship. There is little risk of being invaded or exploited.

One sided relationship cause #4 : fear of intimacy

We can spend years lamenting about lack of emotional intimacy in our lives, before realizing we are actively avoiding it. 

In my case, the penny dropped thanks to guys who were actually interested in having a real relationship with me. Of course they were some. I dismissed promising relationships because I felt no chemistry, no attraction, no interest.

The truth is they were perfectly fine. They were made of the same stuff as the ones who I was actively pursuing. Sometimes they were even the same guy, starting to show interest.  The only difference was the absence, or presence, of a willingness to establish a loving relationship with me.

If you are honest with yourself and you realize you have the same issue, please try not to criticize yourself: we have very good reasons to feel this way. 

To start with, our urge to seek connection is very healthy. And our fear of relationships is normal, especially if all the reasons above are present: the absence of a healthy relationship template, scars from very painful early interactions, low self esteem and no boundaries to speak of.

There is no way we can be comfortable being emotionnally intimate without significant healing.

What we need to do is work on our relationship with ourselves, our self esteem, boundaries, our knowledge and tolerance of our emotions. 

We need to do this because relationships we have with others cannot be healthier than the one we have with ourselves. 

If you are interested in more posts on relationships, you can find them here :

• Why am I obsessing about someone I barely know
• Facing Love Addiction
• Chasing unavailable partners
• Book review: Living with Limerence

Take care of yourself, and keep up healing, my friend.