Why do I always fall for the wrong guy ?

“Why do I always fall for the wrong guy?” I must admit it’s a question I asked myself a few times. And when listening to a very interesting podcast with Dr Frank Anderson on Trauma and Internal Family System, the answer came in a reaI “aha” moment.

To be honest, I already knew the answer – or rather, let’s take the grandiosity out of this – my answer. But this very smart psychiatrist and psychotherapist summed it up with a few elegant sentences : “Most adult romantic attractions are really us trying to heal an early attachment wound. Instead of seeking this healing from another person, what we need to do is seek the relationship, get triggered an activated, and then do our work.”

This is brilliant.

Let’s have a look at these few sentences.

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Why am I lost in my thoughts ?

Yesterday, my daughter asked me if I was not feeling bored while walking. I told her my truth: no, I am never bored while walking. I have all these thoughts in my head. Even when my brain is not focused on doing something, like working, organizing an evening out, or talking with someone, these thoughts and dreams are still here and keep me busy. I don’t even remember the last time I felt bored.

My daughter’s consciousness is apparently less overly active than mine: when she’s not busy doing something, she does not have all this activity in her mind. So, she explained, while walking she’s bored. I assured her boredom has never killed anybody and it’s a normal part of our experience. I also felt secretly happy: she does not dissociate like I do.

What is dissociation ?

Being lost in one’s thoughts from time to time is normal. Spending lots of time in one’s head, thinking or dreaming about stuff, sometimes to the point of preferring alone time to living, is not. We can call it being very distracted, suffering from maladaptive daydreaming, being lost in our thoughts, and even sometimes being an introvert. What it really is, is life avoidance. It is a form of dissociation.

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When you want not to want the one you want

I recently listened to Martha Beck’s podcast, the gathering pod, and it felt like connecting with an old friend.

With Melody Beattie, Martha Beck is one of the authors who unknowingly helped my right at the beginning of everything. I had just decided to do what it took to get better, and what it meant initially what reading a lot of self help and psychology books. (I was right to do that by the way. Reading was not enough, but proved to be immensely helpful.)

With Martha Beck, we have a lot in common. The most important common experience, of course, is to have grown up with an incestuous father. We then both proceeded with the foreseable consequences: depression, anxiety, perfectionnism, PTSD, various physical problems, you know, the usual stuff. We also share the unfortunate situation of a late down syndrome diagnosis for our second child, and a strong bond to South Africa (where I found her book Finding your own North Star, that I still recommend). It’s kind of weird, I know.

Anyway, I can say now that I managed to find my way towards a reasonably fulfilling, pleasurable life. But at the time, I was not sure it was possible. She showed me it was, even though her books were not about recovery. Since then, I’ve kept an eye on her books, podcasts, articles, whatever she comes up with professionally.

Since I am currently investigating love addiction and limerence, I though I would listen to one of her latest podcast episode, “When you want not to want what you want” with the perspective of wanting not to want a person (but failing, of course; where is the fun if you can just chose to let go?).

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Book Review: Living with Limerence

I came across Dr L’s book Living with Limerence while researching for a post on Love Addiction. Interestingly enough, I was lovestruck by its subtitles: A guide for the smitten (that’s me!) and The neuroscience of infatuation and how to manage it (that’s for me!). Reading it furthered my crush : this book is intelligent, funny and very useful.

If you know obsessive love well, if you wonder what came upon you to believe that some of your exes were so special, if your feelings and your common sense go their separate ways when you fall in love, my advice is to read this book.

If you are currently putting a loving long term relationship at risk because of a crush you cannot resist, or if you suffer from the dreaded unrequited love, then reading this book is a must. Really.

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