Why do I always fall for the wrong guy ?

“Why do I always fall for the wrong guy?” I must admit it’s a question I asked myself a few times. And when listening to a very interesting podcast with Dr Frank Anderson on Trauma and Internal Family System, the answer came in a reaI “aha” moment.

To be honest, I already knew the answer – or rather, let’s take the grandiosity out of this – my answer. But this very smart psychiatrist and psychotherapist summed it up with a few elegant sentences : “Most adult romantic attractions are really us trying to heal an early attachment wound. Instead of seeking this healing from another person, what we need to do is seek the relationship, get triggered an activated, and then do our work.”

This is brilliant.

Let’s have a look at these few sentences.

Most attractions are us trying to heal an old wound

Of course, while we are in the throws of these attractions, sometimes violently obsessive ones, we do not feel we are seeking salvation or healing. We are convinced we have found a soulmate. Even if this person is not available, highly dysfunctional, or downright dangerous. We believe our love will make everything all right (this time).

But then normal life returns either because the relationship has never started, has failed, or after it has succeeded and we are now in a normal relationship and magical thinking has left. Sometimes we can look back and realize we have dated, or tried to date, the same person all along – with a different name and face, but you know, basically the same. And the relationship, or absence thereof, has basically looked and felt the same as well.

If there is a pattern, we probably are trying to heal an old wound, using different relationships with the same dynamic, over and over again.

In my case, it could be a figure of authority, unavailable, and showing some interest in me (real of fantasized). Or a man who had certain personality traits like narcissism. Best of all: everything at once.

And I have lived my childhood with a narcissistic, married, sexually violent father.

It may seem very obvious stated like this of course, but it took me a very long time to be able to state it that way. Denial is a powerful, far reaching mechanism. It took me years to understand my father was who we was. And years to understand most men are different, so I could be more discriminate.

What we need to do instead is do our work

Nobody can heal us, except ourselves – granted, with the support of others, and if it can be a supportive partner, then it is terrific. But the only person who can really heal us, is us.

I believe we all initially carry this fantasy that someone is coming. We feel terrible, but someone is coming to save us. A prince charming will appear and make us feel all right. It can also be a charming princess of course, depending on our preferences.

It will not work. Nobody’s coming.

I know. I’m really sorry.

If we feel terrible without a relationship, we will feel the same inside a relationship, once the romantic highs fade – and they can fade quickly indeed. It is not the job of a romantic relationship, or any relationship, to heal us. Other people are not here to heal us. Even if they wanted to, they would not be able to, the same way it is impossible to heal someone with broken bones from the outside. The healing happens inside ourselves, mainly because of what we do.

Of course, we don’t necessarily know what to do. This is where books, podcasts, blogs and therapists are useful. They can guide us out of our illusion that some magical person will solve all our problems, and into problem solving. It is the only way.

Now, I have read versions of what I am writing now several times before really getting it. I read them, and believed fervently they did not apply to me. I needed a few iterations of miserably failed relationships to get it.

We all need to have our experiences. But knowing other people frame it differently can help to get it sooner, I think. A guide gives directions we do not necessarily follow, but when we get lost a few times and don’t know what else to do, we backtrack to find the guide and hear him or her out.

Follow the attraction anyway

The wounded part of us is hidden deep down inside ourselves, usually well protected. To put space between this wounded part and our day to day experience, we can use addictions, dissociation (a favorite of mine), intellectualization, compulsive activity, whatever. The result is that our wounded self is not readily accessible. We can actually be very functional, even when carrying a difficult past.

When we get activated by a potential romantic relationship, it touches our wounded self though. This part of us, hoping to be held and healed, comes out. This is what makes us so vulnerable in relationships. This is also why what we feel seems disproportionate sometimes, or not adapted to the situation. We can seem weird from the other side of the relationship. Or we can fit into an unhealthy dance, like the narcissistic – codependent dance, or the avoidant – insecure dance.

If the trauma we went through is significant, the relationship can bring a tremendous amount of pain. We firmly believe we are in the present, but we are in fact feeling and acting from the past. If we are suffering from repeated limerence, or love addiction, we can be sure this is what is happening.

This is our chance. Yes, being limerent or lost in love addiction feels terrible. But it full of hope as well : we are in contact with our wounded self, and can begin real recovery.

After years of doing my work, I still get into limerent episodes although less intense and shorter than before. But each one gets me to a better place. And I hope every one of us will take every attraction, even for the wrong guy, for what it is: a part of us trying to push us into healing.

So the wrong guy may not be the wrong guy after all: he may be a perfect healing opportunity. It all depends on us and if we manage to turn around and look into ourselves .

Why am I lost in my thoughts ?

Yesterday, my daughter asked me if I was not feeling bored while walking. I told her my truth: no, I am never bored while walking. I have all these thoughts in my head. Even when my brain is not focused on doing something, like working, organizing an evening out, or talking with someone, these thoughts and dreams are still here and keep me busy. I don’t even remember the last time I felt bored.

My daughter’s consciousness is apparently less overly active than mine: when she’s not busy doing something, she does not have all this activity in her mind. So, she explained, while walking she’s bored. I assured her boredom has never killed anybody and it’s a normal part of our experience. I also felt secretly happy: she does not dissociate like I do.

What is dissociation ?

Being lost in one’s thoughts from time to time is normal. Spending lots of time in one’s head, thinking or dreaming about stuff, sometimes to the point of preferring alone time to living, is not. We can call it being very distracted, suffering from maladaptive daydreaming, being lost in our thoughts, and even sometimes being an introvert. What it really is, is life avoidance. It is a form of dissociation.

Continue reading “Why am I lost in my thoughts ?”

When you want not to want the one you want

I recently listened to Martha Beck’s podcast, the gathering pod, and it felt like connecting with an old friend.

With Melody Beattie, Martha Beck is one of the authors who unknowingly helped my right at the beginning of everything. I had just decided to do what it took to get better, and what it meant initially what reading a lot of self help and psychology books. (I was right to do that by the way. Reading was not enough, but proved to be immensely helpful.)

With Martha Beck, we have a lot in common. The most important common experience, of course, is to have grown up with an incestuous father. We then both proceeded with the foreseable consequences: depression, anxiety, perfectionnism, PTSD, various physical problems, you know, the usual stuff. We also share the unfortunate situation of a late down syndrome diagnosis for our second child, and a strong bond to South Africa (where I found her book Finding your own North Star, that I still recommend). It’s kind of weird, I know.

Anyway, I can say now that I managed to find my way towards a reasonably fulfilling, pleasurable life. But at the time, I was not sure it was possible. She showed me it was, even though her books were not about recovery. Since then, I’ve kept an eye on her books, podcasts, articles, whatever she comes up with professionally.

Since I am currently investigating love addiction and limerence, I though I would listen to one of her latest podcast episode, “When you want not to want what you want” with the perspective of wanting not to want a person (but failing, of course; where is the fun if you can just chose to let go?).

Continue reading “When you want not to want the one you want”

Book Review: Living with Limerence

I came across Dr L’s book Living with Limerence while researching for a post on Love Addiction. Interestingly enough, I was lovestruck by its subtitles: A guide for the smitten (that’s me!) and The neuroscience of infatuation and how to manage it (that’s for me!). Reading it furthered my crush : this book is intelligent, funny and very useful.

If you know obsessive love well, if you wonder what came upon you to believe that some of your exes were so special, if your feelings and your common sense go their separate ways when you fall in love, my advice is to read this book.

If you are currently putting a loving long term relationship at risk because of a crush you cannot resist, or if you suffer from the dreaded unrequited love, then reading this book is a must. Really.

Continue reading “Book Review: Living with Limerence”

Powered by WordPress.com.

Up ↑