Trauma and Narcissism

Each time a relationship hurt like hell, but there was no obvious abuse or mental health issue going on, I was dealing with a narcissist.

These were distressing and confusing times, but from there I learned very valuable lessons :

No matter what, if it hurts it’s not love
Narcissists are unable to feel warmth, empathy or love, even if they (sometimes loudly) claim the contrary. What they feel is a bottomless pit of needs.
Relationships with narcissists revolve entirely around them and their needs, to the exclusion of ours
It’s not possible to satisfy a narcissist or improve a relationship with one, whatever the level of energy and love we put in
However if we turn around and work on ourselves it is possible to understand how our past trauma sets us up to be involved with these unpleasant people, and why we cannot see them as they are.
So that once healed we are able to effortlessly avoid them altogether

29 November 2023 0

Book review: You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For, from Richard Schwartz

Your Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For is one of these books : explaining we fall in love with people because we want them to fix what is broken in us. And that it does not work.

There are other books like this. I find them all very annoying.

I mean, sure, it’s true. At least for us trauma survivors.

Still, who wants to realize we are repeating an old drama over and over again ? Who wants to leave this all consuming attraction, this mesmerizing chemistry, our belief this relationship will make us happy, at ease with ourselves, that we have found the one magical person ?

We really don’t want to. We can embellish or deny facts, ignore what other are telling us, pretend this is not the same old usual relationship with another person, fervently believe this is true love, close our eyes, close our ears, and turn our back on the reality of the relationship.

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21 November 2023 1

Book Review: Growing Up as the Scapegoat to Narcissistic Parents, by Jay Reid

As a ten years old, I realized I was not feeling innocent as children were supposed to feel. I was feeling bad and guilty all the time.

I could not understand why, but I promised myself I would carry this memory into adulthood. And I did.

Now, I know why I sent this message to my future self: I left a trail that allowed me to unpack my terrible self esteem as an adult. What a clever child I was, despite feeling so stupid…

I was in so much shame because I had grown up as the scapegoat to my narcissistic family. That’s a huge part of the trauma I went through, and the origin of many of my problems.

And of course abuse, neglect, narcissism and scapegoating were all linked, as it often is.

When is it useful to read Growing Up as the Scapegoat to Narcissistic Parents ?

If like me you remember feeling bad and guilty as a child, let me assure you it is not because you were: no child is. The cause is elsewhere, and it could well be parental narcissism.

Some parents are so distressed and immature they need their child to feel bad for them: they form narcissistic families and single out one child to be the scapegoat.

It can be the origin of how we feel about ourselves, and it took me years to understand. So in doubt, please do yourself a favor and read this book: it is absolutely brilliant at describing the dynamics of these families, and the consequences for us.

It may well trigger a life changing aha moment for you. I’m very informed on this topic now, but I still had sudden flashes of understanding reading Jay Reid. It’s a very good book.

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26 June 2023 0

Spotting Narcissism Red Flags

Spotting narcissism red flags is what we do in hindsight.

We look back on a relationship once we know it’s over, and we say : “Oh, here and here were the red flags; I actually could have seen this person was not good for me early on”.

This logic does two things for us:

it gives us a sense of control, as in: “Next time I’m going to get it right and see the problem before it’s too late”
and it also allows us to wallow in shame, as in: “How could I not see it? I’m so stupid”, which can be a familiar and oddly comfortable pattern for some of us – Well it definitively was for me.

Both points are a defense against anxiety, but are ultimately not useful. They are not self loving either, or even accurate.

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12 April 2023 0

Why do I always fall for the wrong guy ?

“Why do I always fall for the wrong guy?” I must admit it’s a question I asked myself a few times. And when listening to a very interesting podcast with Dr Frank Anderson on Trauma and Internal Family System, the answer came in a reaI “aha” moment.

To be honest, I already knew the answer – or rather, let’s take the grandiosity out of this – my answer. But this very smart psychiatrist and psychotherapist summed it up with a few elegant sentences : “Most adult romantic attractions are really us trying to heal an early attachment wound. Instead of seeking this healing from another person, what we need to do is seek the relationship, get triggered an activated, and then do our work.”

This is brilliant.

Let’s have a look at these few sentences.

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15 February 2023 0

Me Too Therapy best healing books of 2022

I hope, dear reader, that you had a great start of 2023 ! I don’t know about you, but I never struggled to find a purpose each new year. I had a very clear one, even if I would have preferred not to have it: getting well. If you are on the same quest, I wish you a 2023 year full of insights, progress and healing.

Part of my own healing path has been to read books about recovery from trauma or any topic that I am struggling with. It didn’t do all the work, but it definitely helped to feel connected, to understand myself and to show me the way to a better life. Without these books, I would pretty much still feel lost.

In 2022, I’ve read about 20 healing books (not all published in 2022 by the way). They’ve all been helpful in some way, but three of them have been really awesome.

If like me you are into books as healing tools and do not know these ones, I suggest you give them a try. They may become a great help for you in 2023.

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1 February 2023 1

How can I change ?

Is change possible for me? How much change can I realistically expect ? How can I change, particularly if lack of time or money is limiting what I have access to ? Can I do it on my own, or do I need professional help ? Is there hope for me ?

These are the questions I grappled with at the beginning of my recovery. I believe most of us do – wether we call it recovery from an addiction, from anxiety, from depression, from a traumatic past, from complex post traumatic disorder, or sexual violence (sometimes an unfortunate combination of all of the above).

In hindsight, I did change a lot, and I’m still changing. Some traits I believed were innate, like introversion, disappeared. Some traits, like assertiveness, emerged from the depths, together with this previously unknown feeling, anger. My self esteem shot up. Thanks to my new found self esteem and anger, relatively solid boundaries appeared.

Explaining how I changed, though, is a tough challenge. And some problematic aspects did not move at all. Why? I don’t know.

So I recruited help, as usual, this time in the form of a podcast : Why don’t we get better ? by Forrest & Rick Hanson. This podcast seems to be a very promising source of insights and reflexion by the way, so I subscribed. It may well be a nice addition to my very short list of useful podcasts. I’ll keep you posted.

But back to our topic of change: as a very experienced therapist and author, Rick Hanson’s thoughts are much richer and more structured than mine. However, I was glad to see I agree with a lot of what both father and son (isn’t that sweet ?) say here.

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25 January 2023 1

Useful anger

In a nutshell, we can learn to use our anger as a starting point to change patterns rather than blame people.
Harriet Lerner, The dance of anger

27 November 2022 0

Book Review: Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

Self care is the basis of recovery from Trauma, Addictions, Depression, and many other psychological issues. It is an absolute must for a healthy, comfortable life. Often, this is what we never learned or what we forgot because of what happened to us.

I once believed that self care meant buying myself stuff, or taking a hot bath with candles. I don’t know where I picked up this idea (probably from people who have an investment in me buying stuff, like women’s magazines): shopping or taking a bath are not my thing. That’s not what self care means for me.

Self care means we are able to identify our needs, we believe that we deserve their satisfaction, and we take action to get these needs met. It took me decades to understand this, and I believe I still have much room to grow.

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9 November 2022 0

Relationship wisdom

If we already need someone we don’t really know, the potential for letdown is huge.
Lindsay C. Gibson

23 October 2022 0