Book Review: Believing Me, from Ingrid Clayton

I came across Ingrid Clayton’s work while listening to an excellent podcast about Trauma Bonding; I liked what she had to say and the way she said it, so I bought her memoir, Believing Me.

Sure enough, I liked her book. Maybe it’s because our stories have similarities. Maybe it’s because she manages to describe universal aspects of trauma. Probably both.

Believing me can be useful especially for those of us who have been traumatized in our family of origin. It helps validate the weird dynamics of such families, and normalize our trauma responses later in life.

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9 May 2023 0

Spotting Narcissism Red Flags

Spotting narcissism red flags is what we do in hindsight.

We look back on a relationship once we know it’s over, and we say : “Oh, here and here were the red flags; I actually could have seen this person was not good for me early on”.

This logic does two things for us:

it gives us a sense of control, as in: “Next time I’m going to get it right and see the problem before it’s too late”
and it also allows us to wallow in shame, as in: “How could I not see it? I’m so stupid”, which can be a familiar and oddly comfortable pattern for some of us – Well it definitively was for me.

Both points are a defense against anxiety, but are ultimately not useful. They are not self loving either, or even accurate.

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12 April 2023 0

Understanding your favorite narcissist

Dealing with narcissists is baffling. At least until we understand how their mind works.

We won’t get this understanding from them: they have no clue. But once someone knowledgeable shares how they are inside, their behavior makes sense. In a bizarre and creepy way, but still.

Let’s start with an illustration from Dr Craig Malkin, a clinical psychologist specialized in treating narcissism :

“Given the choice between a loving partner and a trophy partner, a narcissist will chose a trophy partner”.

So sadly true. But let’s look at this statement more closely.

Narcissists are not interested in love

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5 April 2023 0

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